I Am So Very Sorry
2021-10-31 17:54:46 23
to: jacob ~ from: meg
dear jacob,
i've found that many people tend to not speak up when something bothers them, thinking that it is trivial to mention it. unfortunately, what happens is after repeated times of not speaking up, some small occurrence happens and it ends up being the straw that broke the camel's back. the other partner, more often than not, has no clue what they are upset about and therefore think they are over-reacting.
i feel like this is the story of our relationship. i hate arguing with you; i hate hearing that pain-filled tone of your voice, or feeling your cold shoulder when i brush past just to get a hint of your scent. i'm not naturally an angry person; you know that from when you first met me. i have so many bad memories, so many moments that i hold myself in because they seem to be all that is left of me. i feel like a ghost created from torn webs of my past and i have brought all that into a relationship, thinking that past problems won't melt over into present dilemmas. i've been living a lie.
our argument was caused from so many things. my insecurities, my lack of self-worth, the selfish want to be the only one that makes you smile and toss a sparkle across your eye. i know that the blame is mostly mine. your friends are your family, much like my mother is my family. i defend the things she says and does out of love and i know you do much of the same for them.
i'm sorry for not taking the time to be patient with you, to sit and listen and understand the way you feel. i know that i will never know the things they share with you and you share with them and therefore your relationship with them is of a different importance than yours and mine. when you say i am wrong in a matter that concerns your friends, your family, then most likely i am ... i'm sorry for hurting you and beating you down so often. if anyone shows a lack of respect in this relationship then i suppose it is me who is to blame.
i feel like you don't want to be near me, you don't want to touch me after what i've said and done towards you. if the ringer were on right now i would know that there was a chance for me to come to your side and say this in person. anything to let you know that this is me saying i'm sorry, jacob, i'm so, so sorry. if you could ever forgive me it would not go unappreciated, if not then it will not go misunderstood.
this is all i can say, and if you ask me to, i will say no more ever again to you.
i just wish you to know that my selfish will has broken, my barriers have fallen, and my love for you has come into full view. i never want to have us turn and go away .... we might feel better if we stay.
love always,
your meggie